Sunday, July 13, 2008

reasons not to make out at a wedding

#1 Because you will fall asleep in the dress your mom painstakingly stitched, and then rush to get to the airport, throwing it over your head and into your suitcase. When you get to the next wedding the following weekend (which you will have packed for at 1 a.m. the night before you leave, throwing the dress you made out in from the laundry basket into the suitcase with a pair of tennis shoes and a t-shirt, figuring it worked well last weekend and you might as well use it to see what happens this time), you will get to your destination and have a great time the first day. The next day, about 30 minutes before the actual wedding, when all your hair is done and makeup is perfect and you go to put the dress on, you will realize that the dress is now missing a seam, and the perfectly asymmetrical hem that looked so lovely before is now hanging down to your left ankle on one side and is above your right knee on the other, giving a sort of gwen stefani-like dress rendition, except not as cool because you are not her. You might ask your travel companion what the fuck is wrong with your dress, and they will say, "It looks like there's a seam missing, g."

Also, the lovely empire waist has a rip in it, showing a good amount of skin, requiring a safety pin before going outside. Except you're at a hotel, so you have to go outside 17 minutes before the wedding starts to get a safety pin from the front desk, which will take them 6 minutes, giving you exactly 11 minutes to get to the ceremony. You get in the car and drive to the ceremony while clutching the dress together. In the parking lot at the church, you will safety pin the top of the dress to the bottom, baring your chest while other wedding guests are passing by, hoping they are not paying attention to what's going on in the car. Then, at the actual wedding and reception, you will go into the bathroom about five times to re-pin, because the material is ripping, and half the night you're worrying about your dress falling off of you. Which might be fun for the rest of the wedding guests, but not fun for you when you are at the top of a lovely mountain ski resort and cannot get to the hotel until 10 p.m., when the tram leaves with all the wedding guests.

Thankfully, the dress ends up staying pinned together until the after-party (where a bottle of sambuca, a blender of water, and The Good, the Bad and the Ugly factor in hugely) is over around 3 a.m. and you finally get back to the hotel and crawl into bed.

You wake up in the morning and decide the dress might need to be retired, even though it's served you well in both incarnations.

No more making out at weddings for Gretzky.

5 comments:

LK said...

Okay, first off, way to go. Second, and more important, what kind of making out were you doing that ended up in ripped clothes??

Gretzky said...

for the record, the dress is made of flimsy material. that's all I'm sayin'.

LK said...

Plus, you slept in it. Still, way to go. Maybe your mom can make me a dress! But I've sworn off weddings for while.

Anonymous said...

Hahaha! I was there - it was a dropped seam, but believe me no one was talking about it. There were far too many other things to discuss! I would wear a dress with a dropped seam if it meant I got to make out at a wedding!

Kaitlin said...

clearly the dress was too good to be true. ;) would you like a black one made with a sturdier fabric?